A Story About Style
Piece 2: I see you, a longer draft
Author's Note
Before I had the 6-minute Moth story ‘I See You', I had the draft below. I provide further clarification on topics that are briefly mentioned in the story, such as the tradition of dressing up for Sundays, my family's financial situation through high school, and how I worked at my Cinderella moment even when I was not dressed up for special occasions or attending school. Although I wrote this with the intention of identifying a story, this piece reads more like a memoir, so I hope you are able to experience 'I See You' in its full glory!
Piece 2
To understand how fashion and style became such a significant part of my life, I must begin at the root. For as long as I can remember, Sundays have always been important days for me because of my anticipation about what I would wear. I remember when I was between the ages of 6 and 8 years old, my sister, Prisca, chose the clothes I would wear to church and made sure my little sister and I matched almost every time. Having spent the majority of my childhood in play clothes and school uniforms, attending church was especially important to me as a child because I could finally wear my pretty clothes. Attending church in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) was always a thrill, since everyone always puts their best foot forward, from the newest outfit they had just purchased to the latest makeup trend. I was always fascinated and wished to be just like them.
After moving to Zimbabwe at about 9 years old, I continued attending a uniform school, so Sundays were once again the only day when I could wear clothing of my choice. The adults I knew were either students or staff at the African University. My family, for instance, woke up early in the morning to wear the beautiful clothing they selected the night before. Everything pink, blue, black, beautiful, and more was always the plan. Eventually, it began to make sense to dress up in order to feel good and look my best like everyone else. I especially needed it to make up for my shy and unsure nature.
Growing up, I was the most timid of my siblings and especially hard on myself due to it. Like my siblings, I wished to be brave, communicative, and smart because they always ensured anyone who met my family would remember them at all cost. When I tried to be more talkative, I was unable to replicate the same roaring that I observed others achieve, so I began to seek out alternative methods to achieve the visibility I seen my siblings achieve.
I applied what I had learned from the overused Cinderella plot films and American coming-of-age romance movies. Most of these movies have a protagonist that we first see wearing sweatpants or capri pants, wearing a navy blue t-shirt, and living an ordinary life. Thus, she is not relevant until she exchanges her old clothes for her new style: this could be chic in her new mini skirt, a trendy top, and some sort of heel, or could be cool in her new black pants, a tank top, and a black leather jacket. It is possible that she will become relevant after an iconic walk down the high school halls or after she shows up all whipped in a new dress and her most beautiful makeup or after she shows up all dolled up. In both scenarios, the entire school accepts the female protagonist and the love confession of the male protagonist seals the deal - the end. According to Cinderella, the fairytale, they always lived happily ever after. As a result of watching a few of these stories, similar to a scientific theory that has been proven time and again, I became convinced that securing a Cinderella moment was the best way for me to establish my presence in any group that I am a part of and be finally a visible individual.
When I was in the seventh grade, and the equivalents of the eighth and ninth grades, my Sunday outfits became more important; if my sisters thought a white cardigan and beige dress were attractive together, then that was what I wore to church. As a teenager, I tailored even my playing clothes in order to mimic the style of the coolest characters in TV shows I watched. In order to make myself the tomboy/edgiest girl, I added a pair of 2 3/4 shorts and a black dress I would pair with leggings.
When I moved to the U.S with my family, I started at a whole new school. For the first time, I felt both invisible and lonely. Whenever I attended church I wore my best clothes and tried to replicate the same when I attended school. However, I did not attain the kind of impact I wanted.
During these times, my wardrobe options were very limited as my family was still adjusting to a new country. At the time, the majority of my wardrobe consisted of clothes I had packed for travel, thrift store purchases, and donations. It never really mattered to me where my clothes came from, since what I cared about was putting together the best outfit I could. My views changed in 9th grade when I noticed that no matter how I dressed, my Cinderella moment never occurred, which meant that according to high school rom-coms, I was still a stranger and an outcast with no friends, and so I began to analyze and consider other influences. The first source I looked to was the girls at my school who appeared to have all the friends, were outspoken, and looked like protagonists of American high school films. Once in 9th grade, after identifying my target, I searched far and wide for the black waterfall cardigan she wore almost every day.
I either got one from the thrift store or another pile of donated clothes. I wore it for the first time and couple more after that, but nothing much changed. I noticed that after I got the sweater, the more I wore it and the more nothing changed the more I grew to realize how much I actually disliked the cardigan. Having moved schools again in 10th grade, my loneliness and insecurities worsened. Everybody around me had great friends, and even a friend I had made in my old school had already found her special someone. As a result, I began to consider taking what I considered to be drastic measures.
n the past, my wardrobe was heavily influenced by what my father considered appropriate: longer skater dresses and larger pants. I have begun to incorporate tighter dresses and shorter dresses into my wardrobe for the first time. Looking back at past photographs, the length of the dresses does not seem too inappropriate and was probably flattering to me at the time, therefore I do not regret incorporating them into my wardrobe, since they demonstrate my willingness to try new things that are outside of my comfort zone. What I regret the most was my intent; I was not dressing for myself, but for others because it felt like the only solution to my inner torment of feeling loneliness and feeling inadequate. It was especially crucial for me to gain the approval of the guys around me, who are around my age so that my Cinderella moment would finally be valid. In the 11th grade, I moved to a new school; this is where I also completed my 12th grade. Having continued to consider outside influences while also thinking about my sisters' input, I began to watch more YouTube styling videos (for a moment I was trapped in videos by men describing what women should wear). Having watched Kdramas, Thai dramas, and even downloading Pinterest, I began to base what I purchased on what I saw.
Eventually, I was able to purchase jean jackets, small jewelry, black pants, and my own collection of shoes. My clothes selection increased during this period, not only because of growing influences but also because my sisters had begun working and replenishing their wardrobes, which they occasionally gifted to me and Rachel. All these years, my family and I kept our tradition of dressing up as we wished on Sundays. Rachel and I would use this moment to experiment with new outfits that we had seen on Pinterest or in television dramas. During the 11th and 12th grades, putting on my best-dressed outfit became more about exploring what Rachel and I found interesting and intriguing about clothing. Trying out our outfits for Sunday became a source of excitement every Saturday night.
Using everything and every wardrobe that was available to us, we would create the next masterpiece we would wear and take pictures. During this period of my life, I made my first good friends for the first time, and while I still desired a Cinderella moment, I was finally able to enjoy playing my own fairy godmother while my siblings offered their opinion. My parents' style opinions heavily influenced my personal style. I found myself starting to appreciate some of my father’s collection and even added one of his blazers to my closet, and paired it with modest long dresses which always helps me appreciate modesty in clothing. In some other outfits I paired my blazers with shorter items such as dresses, pleated skirts, and straight dresses. In styling blazers and other clothing, I was able to relive the moment that Cinderella had when her fairy godmother appeared and presented her with a new dress and shoes each day. I discovered that in all the romantic comedies, I always enjoyed and thoroughly enjoyed the makeover scenes because they gave the characters a new way to express themselves as well as a new side that may have been muffled by the expression of a particular side.
The church has enabled me to learn about the excitement and fulfillment that curating well-put-together clothing can provide, rom coms and fairytales have taught me how a single show-stopping look can make a huge difference in how you live your life, and then my siblings and friends have taught me how to curate my own style one step at a time. In the course of this process, I have also learned to love another friend I used to dislike: the mirror. I am very grateful for them because in moments I felt invisible, they looked back and painted my presence. In its own way, it has also come to help me reassure myself of my presence every time it is time to walk out into the world.